More Ninny Mama

Oh honey, you are not happy tonight. Screaming at the top of your lungs, hiccuping, having yourself a real tantrum. It hurts so much to hear. Dad just went in to see you after an hour or so of this. Not sure what in the world is a matter... The nights I don't blog I suppose you go down pretty easily, but are usually up again anywhere between 12 and 6, lately 12. We can see that you are teething again, your front teeth, but that doesn't seem to be what is causing you to scream and cry. What does seem to be making you scream and cry is just being away from us in your crib. Dad said you were like a cat yowling to come in (or go out, in CC's case) because you just cry and cry until you finally give in and fall asleep.

We just don't know what to do sometimes. We want you to be happy and feel safe and sleepy and go to the wonderful world of magical dreams and look at your star light and drift off like so many of your baby friends. We wonder what we are doing wrong, what we can do better. Dad is standing over your crib, telling you it is okay. You quiet down a bit and then you start crying again... perhaps I should go see if it is ninny you need again. Oh, here you come....

15 minutes later: Sometimes you just need a little more ninny before you are ready for bed. And I can never resist that. Especially when your face is all red with sadness, your eyes all puffed out with tears... Lately it seems you are ninnying down at night mostly for comfort more than hunger. But that's okay by me. Did I ever tell you the "more ninny mama" story? Well, turns out your great grandpa, Zayde Norman was nursing one his mom when he was about your age, or maybe closer to a year and half old when his mom suddenly pulled you off her boob. After realizing what happened he looked at her and spoke his first words: "MORE NINNY MAMMA!" Makes me wonder if those will be your first words....

You are doing a lot of: dadadadaddddddddddiiiiidddddddidididididididididi

You are pullin up to stand on just about everything you can, including me and dad.

You are teaching me so much about life and love and what it really means to be alive. You are reminding me that what's important in life is all right here in this house. You are reminding me that when I look down at your little face with your little nose and your little lips smacking away after a good feeding, eyes peacefully closed, that looking at you, watching you, is as close to peace and enlightenment, all those things I long for, that I will ever come and that maybe I am already there. I know it doesn't get much better than that. I will see (and have seen) so many amazing things in life and I think that instead of thinking about what is the next most amazing thing i will do or see i must remember that I needn't go far for that.

Now you sleep and all is peaceful at Ming's of Clinton. Love, love, love, Mommy

I should be doing this everyday...

Hi Jude,

You are struggling again tonight, but now is a silent moment. It is 9:10 and we are usually putting you to bed around 8:30 which seems to be working, but lately you have been up and down. Last night we had to pull you out several times before nursing you down for a third time, I think. Anyway, you are quiet now which means I am going to sign off. This blog seems to always do the trick---eventually. Oh, what I should be doing everyday is writing down what time you go to bed and when you get up siince it all seems to run together.

Other news: You are pulling up to stand, using me or dad or the "pen." You are teething again, you poor angel. You are just delightful and a darling and we love you so much. More later... Love, Mommy xoxoxoxo

Here we go again...

Okay Jude, Tonight we are going on a half hour of you struggling to get to sleep. It seems the only thing I can do to handle it aside from going in there is to write about it. You had such a busy day today: you played with Baby D for several hours. You two were so cute and are really starting to know each other. You made your "aaaaaaaaaah aaaaaaaaaah aaaaaaaaaah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" sounds at each other for a while, sort of like dogs sniffing each other out, before making contact. Super cute.

But now, oh now, the pain of now... you are writhing and crying and so so tired. We are so close to going in... you were so happy all day... what happened? Oh, the sobs rumble on... they remind me of tumble weeds bouncing along a deserted hilly place in a windstorm. For a moment you are quiet, taking a break. Dad and I decided we are going to go in there at 9:15 if you do not let up. We figure we will check your diaper. Still quiet... usually when you get quiet this long it is a good sign... usually we have faith in the quiet, it usually means you have found... oh no! There you go again. A little hiccup. A bark. A whine. So sorry little one, Okay, we have ten more minutes before we go in. Not sure what's happening when you get quiet and why you start up again. We were having so much faith in the quiet. It was becoming a rhythm, a calmness, whereas now it is looking like the calm before the storm.

So a funny thing happened today. D's grandmom asked me if you sleep in the "marital bed". I guess she had a few thigns to say about Baby D sharing the bed with the parents. Unheard of, she said. "Does he have a crib at least?" Yes, but I of course said you do, yes, at least a few hours a night, sometimes more sleep in our bed. Just depends on when you get up in the night, which is usually between 2 and 6. Oh, honey, you are crying and crying. The anxiety wells and gurgles... 6 minutes more. I wonder what can be making you so unhappy? A wet diaper? An empty tummy? Can't be. You at so much at dinner: two bowls of apple sauce, one bowl of sweet potatoes with yogurt, one bowl of bananas with yogurt. What's up little one? Okay... 4 more minutes before we go in and offer you comfort. Oh Jude this is so hard! Okay, another moment of silence. Nope. Brokesn. More wailing. It's like you can't decide what to do, sleep or cry. Well, you know where our vote goes. Sometimes I feel so very tired and sleep deprived (like now) that the emotions and sensations become even more physcially synesthetic than usual. Okay, more quiet. Let's see: is this the same more bluff? It is 9:13. What's it going to be? This is interesting because on any other night I would just assume you are asleep but since you are having such a hard time lately, stopping and starting, etc, I cannot put my faith in that silence. I wonder if that is the consequence of being raised with no God. Seriously. I wonder if my lack of "faith" in certain things results from having no belief system whilst growing up. No that I am complaining. I am wonderfully happy here as a Bu-Jew (tell you about that later), but now you are being still quiet. Oh, Jude... it's now 9:16. You have been quiet for 3 minutes. Is this it? Dad says he guess he knew you had a deadline. Okay, that means I can stop writing and go to bed. What if (and this is kind of Stephen King-ish) I had to blog everytime you didn't fall asleep or else you would never sleep? Meaning WE would never sleep.

Okay, back to faith. Of course the real explanation for lack of faith could be the fact that my mom let me cry it out to sleep from day one. Okay Jude, so at least we waited to you were seven months. Hopefully that was enough months for you to build a little faith in your padres and the world...

Okay, it's 9:22. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're sleeping. Sweet dreams, little one. Mommy eyes ya, daddy eyes ya, CC and Elton eyes ya and everyone under the sun eyes ya. xoxoxoxo