Here we go again...

Okay Jude, Tonight we are going on a half hour of you struggling to get to sleep. It seems the only thing I can do to handle it aside from going in there is to write about it. You had such a busy day today: you played with Baby D for several hours. You two were so cute and are really starting to know each other. You made your "aaaaaaaaaah aaaaaaaaaah aaaaaaaaaah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" sounds at each other for a while, sort of like dogs sniffing each other out, before making contact. Super cute.

But now, oh now, the pain of now... you are writhing and crying and so so tired. We are so close to going in... you were so happy all day... what happened? Oh, the sobs rumble on... they remind me of tumble weeds bouncing along a deserted hilly place in a windstorm. For a moment you are quiet, taking a break. Dad and I decided we are going to go in there at 9:15 if you do not let up. We figure we will check your diaper. Still quiet... usually when you get quiet this long it is a good sign... usually we have faith in the quiet, it usually means you have found... oh no! There you go again. A little hiccup. A bark. A whine. So sorry little one, Okay, we have ten more minutes before we go in. Not sure what's happening when you get quiet and why you start up again. We were having so much faith in the quiet. It was becoming a rhythm, a calmness, whereas now it is looking like the calm before the storm.

So a funny thing happened today. D's grandmom asked me if you sleep in the "marital bed". I guess she had a few thigns to say about Baby D sharing the bed with the parents. Unheard of, she said. "Does he have a crib at least?" Yes, but I of course said you do, yes, at least a few hours a night, sometimes more sleep in our bed. Just depends on when you get up in the night, which is usually between 2 and 6. Oh, honey, you are crying and crying. The anxiety wells and gurgles... 6 minutes more. I wonder what can be making you so unhappy? A wet diaper? An empty tummy? Can't be. You at so much at dinner: two bowls of apple sauce, one bowl of sweet potatoes with yogurt, one bowl of bananas with yogurt. What's up little one? Okay... 4 more minutes before we go in and offer you comfort. Oh Jude this is so hard! Okay, another moment of silence. Nope. Brokesn. More wailing. It's like you can't decide what to do, sleep or cry. Well, you know where our vote goes. Sometimes I feel so very tired and sleep deprived (like now) that the emotions and sensations become even more physcially synesthetic than usual. Okay, more quiet. Let's see: is this the same more bluff? It is 9:13. What's it going to be? This is interesting because on any other night I would just assume you are asleep but since you are having such a hard time lately, stopping and starting, etc, I cannot put my faith in that silence. I wonder if that is the consequence of being raised with no God. Seriously. I wonder if my lack of "faith" in certain things results from having no belief system whilst growing up. No that I am complaining. I am wonderfully happy here as a Bu-Jew (tell you about that later), but now you are being still quiet. Oh, Jude... it's now 9:16. You have been quiet for 3 minutes. Is this it? Dad says he guess he knew you had a deadline. Okay, that means I can stop writing and go to bed. What if (and this is kind of Stephen King-ish) I had to blog everytime you didn't fall asleep or else you would never sleep? Meaning WE would never sleep.

Okay, back to faith. Of course the real explanation for lack of faith could be the fact that my mom let me cry it out to sleep from day one. Okay Jude, so at least we waited to you were seven months. Hopefully that was enough months for you to build a little faith in your padres and the world...

Okay, it's 9:22. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're sleeping. Sweet dreams, little one. Mommy eyes ya, daddy eyes ya, CC and Elton eyes ya and everyone under the sun eyes ya. xoxoxoxo